BIG Picture

I believe the most difficult part of living (whether you're Christian or not) is understanding that life is a "Big Picture." I read something that said "Big Picture thinking is a process of taking a step back and evaluating all of the potential issues that may make a proposed project difficult to make a reality."So let's think about that.

First, it's a process. Process usually implies time consuming, right? It's not quick and easy. There are steps and stages and it's done deliberately.

Next, it involves stepping back to evaluate things/issues. I'd guess that if you were in a process of evaluation that you're probably still. Not moving and doing, but reflecting and (for us Christians, praying) waiting for some revelation or greater understanding. This, by far, is the hardest part because this is where patience is a must. It is impossible to evaluate without patience.

Regarding the last part - a proposed project - what can be more difficult than the project of life (proposed by God)? It's extremely complex! There is no task more challenging than living life effectively and achieving one's purpose.

I bet, though, if we were able to think this way about our lives - remembering that it's a BIG picture, taking time to deliberately evaluate the things trying to keep us from reaching the goal -we'd be much less stressed!

I'm definitely guilty of getting caught up in my current circumstances. How many of us try to DO something the moment we feel the slightest bit of discomfort? We try to change things to re-establish comfort. But the worst time to take action, I'd say, is before you've taken time to evaluate. Maybe it's better that you stay still and (I can't believe I'M writing this) be patient. After all, "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails." -Prov 19:21

Screw A + B = C!

I came to the realization today that I don't think I like myself all that much. Lol Not in the depressed kinda way but (seeing as it's been such a long time since my last post, I should mention that I'm still looking for a full-time job) I spend so much time alone it's really quite annoying. Think of all the time you spend at work - about 40 hours/week for most. I spend that much time (at least) alone.

The other day Noah asked me what's worse: how you felt when you had a job you hated or how you feel now wishing you had a job? My answer: having a job I hated.

But what's an even worse feeling is aimlessness. Feeling clueless about my purpose. Why do I exist? This question has been floating around my head a lot the last few months. It's crazy how much purpose we attach to our occupations. For those who love their jobs, for the ones whose jobs are actually an extension of who they are, it makes perfect sense. For the rest - I'd say the majority - their jobs are just a means to an end. A way to make money to pay bills. And we get stuck in that - in the security of a paycheck. We like A + B = C. It's predictable; reliable; safe. Do this job for this many hours and get this much money. Easy enough.

But how many of us do A + B = C for so long we forget that we were created for something far more complicated? We get stuck in arithmetic when God created us for calculus.

So in my attempt to make a stand against simple mathematics (metaphorically) I'm trying to learn calculus "for dummies." That's what it feels like. Like I know there's probably a better way to learn but as of yet I haven't figured it out so I'm trying my best to teach myself with the only resources I know to use. The problem is...the light hasn't come on yet. It hasn't clicked. I don't get it. Still.

And it's frustrating. I don't know why I'm here and I spend a lot of time alone...with someone (myself) who has no clue why I exist. Lol So it doesn't help anything! Don't misunderstand me, I spend much time in prayer and study. I'm not wingin' this thing. I'm seeking God more fervently than ever. But for some divine reason unbeknownst to me, He has yet to reveal to me (or I've been too blind to see) why I'm in the position I'm in currently or what He has for me to do. So it's not that I think I'm wack. I just know that spending time alone doesn't help me discover my purpose and I so desperately desire to know what it is!

Sooo...I Left My Job

(I actually wrote this January 18th =) I'm a little late!)

This temping experience is different than the others. Before I remember being placed in various reception & admin jobs and feeling one of (or a combination of) a few things:

1. Bored
2. Under utilized
3. Saddened
4. Embarrassed
5. Frustrated
This go 'round, however, produces other sentiments. Ironically, the positions I'm holding are similar, but the experience is new. My primary placement at the moment is with The Chicago School of Professional Psychology. I'm helping them with an annual mailer. Simple. But the combination of people's positive attitudes and working in an environment that's interesting to me (I have a psych degree) makes for a fun & pleasant work day.

Noah recognized a change in me as soon as I finished day 1. "You're an entirely different person than you usually are at the end of the day. You must like this place," he told me. It's amazing how much you're influenced by the people who surround you. I've learned (although it isn't a huge epiphany) that I either need to love my job or love the people I work with to remain content at the workplace.

I think back to Ameriprise where the job was a drag but the people were great. Even now, being a receptionist isn't exactly thrilling, but everyone I've met here today on this (one day) assignment has been exceptionally nice. Nice doesn't seem like an accurately discriptive word but that's exactly what they are - genuinely nice. Every single person I've interacted with from the guy who let me in this morning to the "hello's" from the people making their breakfast in the kitchen has been polite and warm and welcoming and accepting. There's no pretention. No conceit. It almost feels like visiting someone's manshion and discovering the people living in it are refreshingly humble.

This office is byfar the most engaging, lovely, peaceful I've ever seen - it's an architecture firm - and the people also reflect those qualities. Go figure! It just goes to show you that there is (some) hope for corporate America! If only companies would realize that happy people are productive people and, more importantly, that it doesn't take much to make people happy! Both the temp jobs I'm working currently have nice office surroundings and down to earth employees and it's enough to create a mutually beneficial workplace. (I just looked up the word "drudgery" to find antonyms to complete the previous sentence and the synonyms listed include: struggle, chore, slavery, toil, rat race, labor and low and behold...work! How has "work" become synonomous with slavery & toil? How terrible is that?!)

At MTV the office was pretty cool. At least at first I thought so until I realized that my cubicle walls were strategically positioned just high enough to block my view of the window and the world outside of it. The people, however, were always a hurdle. Even if I wasn't completely inundated with work from the day I started, I don't think we would have hit it off. They were just a different type of people. And I don't mean because we didn't share things in common. It was more so their attitudes...about themselves and life in general. You don't have to like the same foods or share an interest in the same movies to be friends with someone. I believe you just have to have similar world views and attitudes. I believe in doing as much good for others as you possibly can - extending myself, inconveniencing myself for the benefit of others. We're all interdependent so you do for people and people do for you. You don't just do for the ones you like...it doesn't take any character to do that. I don't want to get distracted here, though. The tone thus far has been pleasant! Lol

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is that this temping experience has opened my eyes. People make a difference, whether you would like them to or not. I tried for months to zone out at MTV - to retreat to my own place inside my cubicle where no one else existed - but was impossible. We're not made for isolation. Though I wouldn't say at this point I'm 100% sure of what I want my next step to be, I definitely have a better idea of what I'd like it to look like and I thank God for that.

I'm Moving!

Do you ever feel like you've worked a whole week by Wednesday? That's how I feel now...and I wasn't even in on Monday!

Yesterday one of my bosses basically accused me of taking more vacation time than I'm allowed. Pretty interesting considering the only vacation I've taken this year was for a week in August. At first I wanted to make him feel small (even though he already is) by reminding him how he missed work last week because his new pool table was delivered and he decided to stay home and play, but I actually decided against it. Which further lets me know that I've become a new person, because anyone who knew me before knows I wouldn't pass up that opportunity! But I stayed cool as a cucumber and let him make his accusations and politely responded that if he'd like me to prove my integrity I'd be glad to. Of course he declined.

So the conversation turned into what it was intended to be anyway, had he not beat around the bush, which was a discussion about my exit. The time has come for me to leave...in my opinion. He didn't fire me! But I've learned in my life that when transition is looming, things around me begin to shift. It's like everything else positions itself and I'm the last thing to move. So I take his awkward interrogation as a gentle nudge from God telling me "um you should go now hun."

My encouragement/strength/motivation: Hebrews 6:9-12 "Even though we speak like this, dear friends, we are confident of better things in your case—things that accompany salvation. God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them. We want each of you to show this same diligence to the very end, in order to make your hope sure. We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised."

Amen!

Update Maybe?

Wow I haven't written in over a month! Usually it's because I don't have anything succinct to say and I don't want to post just for the sake of it. Even now my thoughts are random but I think maybe it's time for an update!

The most notable (and exciting) development is that I'm in love!! =) Yes folks, we have a winner! Lol His name is Noah. He's amazing...more than I ever imagined I wanted (and everything I did imagine I wanted!). God truly loves me through him. He's planning to come home with me in December so get ready to meet and love him! He's fantastic! =)

Next major development is I'm changing jobs. My goal date to have a new position is November 1st. I have 2 interviews tomorrow. It's time for a shift. I need to move onward and upward. And I REALLY need to start using these degrees I'm paying for! ;)

Our dance ministry is having a concert tomorrow night. It makes me think of home because we had ours there the night before I left (sniffle). I'm still trying to get my hands on that DVD if any of you have a copy! Help me out!! Lol

Continuing in church biz, I've picked up a Sunday school class. I teach the 5-9 year olds on 3rd Sundays. Kids are hilarious. I also write an advice column for a newsletter our Daughters of Virtue mentoring ministry publishes each month. I have 2 mentees, also. =) They're 11 & 13. I also lead/teach our newly resurrected hip hop squad, Peculiar People. Is that all I do at the church??? I think so...

Life updates. I got a new plant! Baby Bertha's her name. Lol We re-potted a stem from this giant overgrown plant in my office (who I named Bertha). I started taking Jazz & Modern at a new studio downtown (Joffrey only teaches Ballet & Tap now). I'm doing a lot of reading (thanks to Dad!). Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis is next. Um I think that's it!

This is long enough, I'll end it now. Love you and miss you all!

That Which You Feed Grows Stronger

I went to this lounge last night in support of my friend, who's recently released her third book and was doing a reading. Before she went up to the mic, many others shared their poetry and song. All I could think while half listening to these writers and vocalists was "why don't they use this obvious gift to glorify God?"

Since every good and perfect gift comes from above, I happen to believe that it's God's desire that we utilize them to bring him joy. Yet it seemed like all anyone had to talk about was sex and lost relationships. Now I'm not judging anyone...I used to frequent that particular lounge at a point in my life. But last night I saw with different eyes. I heard with different ears. I wondered what it would be like if each poet had written modern day psalms. What if each vocalist sang of joyful things?

When I left, I carried with me a bit of their heaviness. The sadness, hurt, lusts of THEIR lives had been thrust upon MY spirit. How much better for all of us if within that lounge transpired an exchange of peace, love, joy!

Don't get me wrong, I understand that many people (myself included) write as a way to release thoughts/emotions/tensions they don't wish to harbor, but once those words on a page become words spoken, they possess more power than they did when they were merely thoughts. So, in verbalizing your not-so-uplifting mindset to a room of receptive peers, you are not benefiting anyone. For, even if it relieves you at first, your words are malignant seeds sown into an environment soon to be cancerous to all who inhabit it.

But we know that poetry is not inherently harmful. All gifts can be perverted and, as we often see, are in the world. My main point is maybe we should keep the expressions of things we don't wish others to feel limited to words on unpublished pages, and instead start sharing those things which edify. I believe if we did so the good in our lives would overflow while the bad would slowly fade away. That which you feed grows stronger.

Pop Out

Ok I apologize in advance for the overly revelatory reflection that's about to commence. Hahaha! BUT today I was at Borders and I walked by one of those old school 3D books. You know the ones that have pictures that look like the same pattern repeated over and over again but when you stare at it long enough, something pops out of it?

Then I started thinking about my job. What if I'm just staring at it seeing a painfully monotonous pattern instead of adjusting my eyes to see what's underlying, waiting to come to the surface?

Couldn't we look at everything in our lives that way? Can't we decide to LOOK for the 3D pop out image instead of the initial pattern? I feel like we've trained ourselves not to look past the pattern. Then we get caught up and frustrated by its commonplace simplicity...its lack of inspiration. When really it's our own eyes that are flat.