Screw A + B = C!

I came to the realization today that I don't think I like myself all that much. Lol Not in the depressed kinda way but (seeing as it's been such a long time since my last post, I should mention that I'm still looking for a full-time job) I spend so much time alone it's really quite annoying. Think of all the time you spend at work - about 40 hours/week for most. I spend that much time (at least) alone.

The other day Noah asked me what's worse: how you felt when you had a job you hated or how you feel now wishing you had a job? My answer: having a job I hated.

But what's an even worse feeling is aimlessness. Feeling clueless about my purpose. Why do I exist? This question has been floating around my head a lot the last few months. It's crazy how much purpose we attach to our occupations. For those who love their jobs, for the ones whose jobs are actually an extension of who they are, it makes perfect sense. For the rest - I'd say the majority - their jobs are just a means to an end. A way to make money to pay bills. And we get stuck in that - in the security of a paycheck. We like A + B = C. It's predictable; reliable; safe. Do this job for this many hours and get this much money. Easy enough.

But how many of us do A + B = C for so long we forget that we were created for something far more complicated? We get stuck in arithmetic when God created us for calculus.

So in my attempt to make a stand against simple mathematics (metaphorically) I'm trying to learn calculus "for dummies." That's what it feels like. Like I know there's probably a better way to learn but as of yet I haven't figured it out so I'm trying my best to teach myself with the only resources I know to use. The problem is...the light hasn't come on yet. It hasn't clicked. I don't get it. Still.

And it's frustrating. I don't know why I'm here and I spend a lot of time alone...with someone (myself) who has no clue why I exist. Lol So it doesn't help anything! Don't misunderstand me, I spend much time in prayer and study. I'm not wingin' this thing. I'm seeking God more fervently than ever. But for some divine reason unbeknownst to me, He has yet to reveal to me (or I've been too blind to see) why I'm in the position I'm in currently or what He has for me to do. So it's not that I think I'm wack. I just know that spending time alone doesn't help me discover my purpose and I so desperately desire to know what it is!