Rachel's Rising

BIG Picture

2010-10-12T12:09:00.000-07:00

I believe the most difficult part of living (whether you're Christian or not) is understanding that life is a "Big Picture." I read something that said "Big Picture thinking is a process of taking a step back and evaluating all of the potential issues that may make a proposed project difficult to make a reality."So let's think about that.

First, it's a process. Process usually implies time consuming, right? It's not quick and easy. There are steps and stages and it's done deliberately.

Next, it involves stepping back to evaluate things/issues. I'd guess that if you were in a process of evaluation that you're probably still. Not moving and doing, but reflecting and (for us Christians, praying) waiting for some revelation or greater understanding. This, by far, is the hardest part because this is where patience is a must. It is impossible to evaluate without patience.

Regarding the last part - a proposed project - what can be more difficult than the project of life (proposed by God)? It's extremely complex! There is no task more challenging than living life effectively and achieving one's purpose.

I bet, though, if we were able to think this way about our lives - remembering that it's a BIG picture, taking time to deliberately evaluate the things trying to keep us from reaching the goal -we'd be much less stressed!

I'm definitely guilty of getting caught up in my current circumstances. How many of us try to DO something the moment we feel the slightest bit of discomfort? We try to change things to re-establish comfort. But the worst time to take action, I'd say, is before you've taken time to evaluate. Maybe it's better that you stay still and (I can't believe I'M writing this) be patient. After all, "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails." -Prov 19:21

Screw A + B = C!

2010-05-30T17:52:00.001-07:00

I came to the realization today that I don't think I like myself all that much. Lol Not in the depressed kinda way but (seeing as it's been such a long time since my last post, I should mention that I'm still looking for a full-time job) I spend so much time alone it's really quite annoying. Think of all the time you spend at work - about 40 hours/week for most. I spend that much time (at least) alone.

The other day Noah asked me what's worse: how you felt when you had a job you hated or how you feel now wishing you had a job? My answer: having a job I hated.

But what's an even worse feeling is aimlessness. Feeling clueless about my purpose. Why do I exist? This question has been floating around my head a lot the last few months. It's crazy how much purpose we attach to our occupations. For those who love their jobs, for the ones whose jobs are actually an extension of who they are, it makes perfect sense. For the rest - I'd say the majority - their jobs are just a means to an end. A way to make money to pay bills. And we get stuck in that - in the security of a paycheck. We like A + B = C. It's predictable; reliable; safe. Do this job for this many hours and get this much money. Easy enough.

But how many of us do A + B = C for so long we forget that we were created for something far more complicated? We get stuck in arithmetic when God created us for calculus.

So in my attempt to make a stand against simple mathematics (metaphorically) I'm trying to learn calculus "for dummies." That's what it feels like. Like I know there's probably a better way to learn but as of yet I haven't figured it out so I'm trying my best to teach myself with the only resources I know to use. The problem is...the light hasn't come on yet. It hasn't clicked. I don't get it. Still.

And it's frustrating. I don't know why I'm here and I spend a lot of time alone...with someone (myself) who has no clue why I exist. Lol So it doesn't help anything! Don't misunderstand me, I spend much time in prayer and study. I'm not wingin' this thing. I'm seeking God more fervently than ever. But for some divine reason unbeknownst to me, He has yet to reveal to me (or I've been too blind to see) why I'm in the position I'm in currently or what He has for me to do. So it's not that I think I'm wack. I just know that spending time alone doesn't help me discover my purpose and I so desperately desire to know what it is!

Sooo...I Left My Job

2010-02-23T11:12:00.000-08:00

(I actually wrote this January 18th =) I'm a little late!)

This temping experience is different than the others. Before I remember being placed in various reception & admin jobs and feeling one of (or a combination of) a few things:

1. Bored
2. Under utilized
3. Saddened
4. Embarrassed
5. Frustrated
This go 'round, however, produces other sentiments. Ironically, the positions I'm holding are similar, but the experience is new. My primary placement at the moment is with The Chicago School of Professional Psychology. I'm helping them with an annual mailer. Simple. But the combination of people's positive attitudes and working in an environment that's interesting to me (I have a psych degree) makes for a fun & pleasant work day.

Noah recognized a change in me as soon as I finished day 1. "You're an entirely different person than you usually are at the end of the day. You must like this place," he told me. It's amazing how much you're influenced by the people who surround you. I've learned (although it isn't a huge epiphany) that I either need to love my job or love the people I work with to remain content at the workplace.

I think back to Ameriprise where the job was a drag but the people were great. Even now, being a receptionist isn't exactly thrilling, but everyone I've met here today on this (one day) assignment has been exceptionally nice. Nice doesn't seem like an accurately discriptive word but that's exactly what they are - genuinely nice. Every single person I've interacted with from the guy who let me in this morning to the "hello's" from the people making their breakfast in the kitchen has been polite and warm and welcoming and accepting. There's no pretention. No conceit. It almost feels like visiting someone's manshion and discovering the people living in it are refreshingly humble.

This office is byfar the most engaging, lovely, peaceful I've ever seen - it's an architecture firm - and the people also reflect those qualities. Go figure! It just goes to show you that there is (some) hope for corporate America! If only companies would realize that happy people are productive people and, more importantly, that it doesn't take much to make people happy! Both the temp jobs I'm working currently have nice office surroundings and down to earth employees and it's enough to create a mutually beneficial workplace. (I just looked up the word "drudgery" to find antonyms to complete the previous sentence and the synonyms listed include: struggle, chore, slavery, toil, rat race, labor and low and behold...work! How has "work" become synonomous with slavery & toil? How terrible is that?!)

At MTV the office was pretty cool. At least at first I thought so until I realized that my cubicle walls were strategically positioned just high enough to block my view of the window and the world outside of it. The people, however, were always a hurdle. Even if I wasn't completely inundated with work from the day I started, I don't think we would have hit it off. They were just a different type of people. And I don't mean because we didn't share things in common. It was more so their attitudes...about themselves and life in general. You don't have to like the same foods or share an interest in the same movies to be friends with someone. I believe you just have to have similar world views and attitudes. I believe in doing as much good for others as you possibly can - extending myself, inconveniencing myself for the benefit of others. We're all interdependent so you do for people and people do for you. You don't just do for the ones you like...it doesn't take any character to do that. I don't want to get distracted here, though. The tone thus far has been pleasant! Lol

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is that this temping experience has opened my eyes. People make a difference, whether you would like them to or not. I tried for months to zone out at MTV - to retreat to my own place inside my cubicle where no one else existed - but was impossible. We're not made for isolation. Though I wouldn't say at this point I'm 100% sure of what I want my next step to be, I definitely have a better idea of what I'd like it to look like and I thank God for that.

I'm Moving!

2009-10-28T15:06:00.001-07:00

Do you ever feel like you've worked a whole week by Wednesday? That's how I feel now...and I wasn't even in on Monday!

Yesterday one of my bosses basically accused me of taking more vacation time than I'm allowed. Pretty interesting considering the only vacation I've taken this year was for a week in August. At first I wanted to make him feel small (even though he already is) by reminding him how he missed work last week because his new pool table was delivered and he decided to stay home and play, but I actually decided against it. Which further lets me know that I've become a new person, because anyone who knew me before knows I wouldn't pass up that opportunity! But I stayed cool as a cucumber and let him make his accusations and politely responded that if he'd like me to prove my integrity I'd be glad to. Of course he declined.

So the conversation turned into what it was intended to be anyway, had he not beat around the bush, which was a discussion about my exit. The time has come for me to leave...in my opinion. He didn't fire me! But I've learned in my life that when transition is looming, things around me begin to shift. It's like everything else positions itself and I'm the last thing to move. So I take his awkward interrogation as a gentle nudge from God telling me "um you should go now hun."

My encouragement/strength/motivation: Hebrews 6:9-12 "Even though we speak like this, dear friends, we are confident of better things in your case—things that accompany salvation. God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them. We want each of you to show this same diligence to the very end, in order to make your hope sure. We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised."

Amen!

Update Maybe?

2009-10-14T14:13:00.000-07:00

Wow I haven't written in over a month! Usually it's because I don't have anything succinct to say and I don't want to post just for the sake of it. Even now my thoughts are random but I think maybe it's time for an update!

The most notable (and exciting) development is that I'm in love!! =) Yes folks, we have a winner! Lol His name is Noah. He's amazing...more than I ever imagined I wanted (and everything I did imagine I wanted!). God truly loves me through him. He's planning to come home with me in December so get ready to meet and love him! He's fantastic! =)

Next major development is I'm changing jobs. My goal date to have a new position is November 1st. I have 2 interviews tomorrow. It's time for a shift. I need to move onward and upward. And I REALLY need to start using these degrees I'm paying for! ;)

Our dance ministry is having a concert tomorrow night. It makes me think of home because we had ours there the night before I left (sniffle). I'm still trying to get my hands on that DVD if any of you have a copy! Help me out!! Lol

Continuing in church biz, I've picked up a Sunday school class. I teach the 5-9 year olds on 3rd Sundays. Kids are hilarious. I also write an advice column for a newsletter our Daughters of Virtue mentoring ministry publishes each month. I have 2 mentees, also. =) They're 11 & 13. I also lead/teach our newly resurrected hip hop squad, Peculiar People. Is that all I do at the church??? I think so...

Life updates. I got a new plant! Baby Bertha's her name. Lol We re-potted a stem from this giant overgrown plant in my office (who I named Bertha). I started taking Jazz & Modern at a new studio downtown (Joffrey only teaches Ballet & Tap now). I'm doing a lot of reading (thanks to Dad!). Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis is next. Um I think that's it!

This is long enough, I'll end it now. Love you and miss you all!

That Which You Feed Grows Stronger

2009-08-06T09:10:00.000-07:00

I went to this lounge last night in support of my friend, who's recently released her third book and was doing a reading. Before she went up to the mic, many others shared their poetry and song. All I could think while half listening to these writers and vocalists was "why don't they use this obvious gift to glorify God?"

Since every good and perfect gift comes from above, I happen to believe that it's God's desire that we utilize them to bring him joy. Yet it seemed like all anyone had to talk about was sex and lost relationships. Now I'm not judging anyone...I used to frequent that particular lounge at a point in my life. But last night I saw with different eyes. I heard with different ears. I wondered what it would be like if each poet had written modern day psalms. What if each vocalist sang of joyful things?

When I left, I carried with me a bit of their heaviness. The sadness, hurt, lusts of THEIR lives had been thrust upon MY spirit. How much better for all of us if within that lounge transpired an exchange of peace, love, joy!

Don't get me wrong, I understand that many people (myself included) write as a way to release thoughts/emotions/tensions they don't wish to harbor, but once those words on a page become words spoken, they possess more power than they did when they were merely thoughts. So, in verbalizing your not-so-uplifting mindset to a room of receptive peers, you are not benefiting anyone. For, even if it relieves you at first, your words are malignant seeds sown into an environment soon to be cancerous to all who inhabit it.

But we know that poetry is not inherently harmful. All gifts can be perverted and, as we often see, are in the world. My main point is maybe we should keep the expressions of things we don't wish others to feel limited to words on unpublished pages, and instead start sharing those things which edify. I believe if we did so the good in our lives would overflow while the bad would slowly fade away. That which you feed grows stronger.

Pop Out

2009-07-17T13:31:00.000-07:00

Ok I apologize in advance for the overly revelatory reflection that's about to commence. Hahaha! BUT today I was at Borders and I walked by one of those old school 3D books. You know the ones that have pictures that look like the same pattern repeated over and over again but when you stare at it long enough, something pops out of it?

Then I started thinking about my job. What if I'm just staring at it seeing a painfully monotonous pattern instead of adjusting my eyes to see what's underlying, waiting to come to the surface?

Couldn't we look at everything in our lives that way? Can't we decide to LOOK for the 3D pop out image instead of the initial pattern? I feel like we've trained ourselves not to look past the pattern. Then we get caught up and frustrated by its commonplace simplicity...its lack of inspiration. When really it's our own eyes that are flat.

Bye Bye Alien

2009-06-30T09:24:00.000-07:00

So I had surgery last Friday to remove the alien from my finger, finally! It was a sad day but the time had come. Here's a picture of my wound for your viewing pleasure and the day after by the lake with Crystal's fam and my bandaged digit!

Reeesssssttttlllleeeeeessssss

2009-06-18T13:45:00.001-07:00

It's 3:45p and I'm at work. The thought of being here for another hour and a half is agonizing today, for some reason. I think it's because I've actually caught up and, for once, have free time on my hands. Apparently this isn't a fun place to be even when you're NOT working so hard everything around you is just a blur. Ha!

Though it's been a long time since my last post, I don't know what to update you on. I'm trucking along. Been reading really great books lately, thanks to my dad. My mind's been elevating, which is always fun, but to be honest, it's a struggle leaving the blissfulness of revelation to exist in this world. I'd say that's my primary battle lately - reconciling myself to this world. How do I live in this world without being of it? How do I not let others influence me to do/say/think things not God-like? It's hard! Lol

My friend Christi from the Bahamas was just here visiting. We had a great time.

I started taking Modern dance and Pilates classes, which is exciting since I haven't really mastered either. I'm actually taking Pilates for the first time and it's so focused and intricate. Very interesting.

Sam is growing (that's my plant)!

The sun peeks out sometimes now. It hasn't stuck around for longer than a day yet but I'm keeping hope alive. Everyone keeps telling me the springtime isn't usually this cold & rainy so I choose to believe them. Otherwise, don't how much longer I could stick around.

I'm coming home in August! We're renewing our parents' vows for their 30th anniversary this year and then a friend of mine is getting married so I'll be in California for 9 whole days (7 in Northern Cal, 2 in Southern). Woo hoo!

Ok this post is boring. I'm done now. LOL!

A Picture

2009-06-04T13:51:00.001-07:00

That's all! LOL Got a new skirt, thought you might enjoy. (That's Koshia with me)

Untitled

2009-05-22T06:23:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I feel like the people around me are living life while I'm trying to figure it out. Almost as if they've discovered - and implemented - something I have yet to.

It seems like, no matter how hard I try to avoid it, my life ends up resembling a perpetual "To Do" list. Granted, now I give more consideration to what I'll add to the list, but nonetheless, I find myself checking off items and looking ahead.

Ironically, my life somewhat mirrors an average work day. I begin refreshed and excited. As the day progresses, I become busier and busier, often doing several things at once and sometimes confused as to where I left off. At some point around 1pm I'll contemplate taking a break, usually choosing not to, preferring instead to (hopefully) leave on time. At about 3pm I'll ask myself, "How much more must get done today?" This is, of course, because I'm anticipating the end. When is this over? When do I get reprieve? When can I do something purposeful? (Most nights I dance after work).

I was sitting in my room yesterday doing absolutely nothing. Just thinking and looking around. And I wondered what I exist for. Why did God create Rachel? What did He have in mind for her? Why am I here now?

My room is painted and (virtually) completely furnished. It looks almost exactly as I pictured it in my mind for so long. My degrees are on the wall...all of them. And I remember how they, too, at a time were merely thoughts. My entire life I've been successful at manifesting my visions, yet I can't tell you what they've all added up to portray.

My life is like a modern art mural - seemingly abstract until someone, usually the artist, comes along to explain its sentiment. I need God to explain me. I don't see it.

...Shall Men Give Into Your Bosom

2009-05-01T12:23:00.001-07:00

This is just a random picture of me and my friend, Natasha, from a few weeks ago. I figure no one wants to read a blog without pictures sprinkled in here and there. Ha! So, enjoy! Hopefully the brightness of my skin doesn't blind you. I'm pretty sure you can see straight through to my skull, but anyway...

HI! =)

The major discovery in my life recently is that God is teaching me how to receive. I have a problem with people giving me things because I feel like I'm in debt to them. So I usually refuse help...even gifts, unless I can conceive some worthy reason as to why I "deserve" them. Weird, I know. It's also wrong.

We know that grace is given to us by God simply because God is love. We cannot do anything to DESERVE forgiveness or to be called children of God. I mean, think about it. Let's say there was a king...a modern day, physical king, who walked up to you and was like, "Would you like to inherit my kingdom?" You'd probably be like, "Depends. What do I have to do?" and when he said "Nothing. I just choose you" you'd probably think to yourself, "This sounds like a shady deal." Things that are too good to be true usually are, right? That's what we're taught, isn't it?

Maybe that's why many people have such a problem receiving Christ. They think it comes along with all these requirements because the idea that you could be made holy without DOING anything is inconceivable.

The reality is that true belief is the key...it is the one "requirement." Just believe. And when you believe (in anything!), you act upon it. That action is called faith. (My pastor preached a message once called "Faith is a Corresponding Action")

In the scenario above, just believing that the king would give you his kingdom would not make it yours. You'd have to follow him back to the palace. You'd have to move in. You'd have to perform these actions to show that you believe what he told you. And the reason you do them is because you understand that if you're going to inherit the kingdom, it makes sense to watch how the king manages things. You don't feel like you're being FORCED to do them, you CHOOSE to do them.

Some people would likely look at you and think you were foolish for believing that a king you didn't even know would give you everything. But, as you began to get to know the king through spending time with him, you'd come to understand that wow, he really is just genuinely a loving guy who wants to ensure that what he has doesn't die with him but rather lives on forever. He is a good person with good things that he wishes to persist and multiply through someone who believes in what he believes - which is that love is the single most important thing in the world.

What's New?

2009-04-03T14:25:00.001-07:00

How does a month pass between my postings?! I honestly don't understand how time elapses so quickly. What have I been up to?

Dancing - I take class twice a week now. Ballet and Jazz. On my way there in a minute, actually. Also doing a lot with the church getting ready for Easter and this Purity Ball we're putting together for the 11-13 year-old girls on the 17th. I've choreographed/taught 6 dances combined for the two events. Whew!

Learning - I love children. Really discovering this more and more recently. I actually realized everything I'm involved in currently and am planning to do in the near future encompasses either working with kids or dancing...or both!

Living - I'm keeping myself busy but making sure to check my motivations before I commit to anything. I used to consume my time because I don't know how to function in inactivity. Now I only involve myself in things that are rooted in genuine inspiration.Those are the basics. My house is coming together slowly but surely. I've decided to focus my attention on what brings me most joy - dancing - and what do ya know? My house takes care of itself! My landlord actually just sent me a "thank you" gift card to buy some furniture. How bout that! I'll be painting in a few weeks so I'll let you know how that goes.

Been eating a lotta sushi lately. Yumm! Went to a Mary Mary concert last Friday and saw Israel in concert on Saturday. Both amazing. Did you know Israel plays the guitar, keys AND drums?! He started on guitar, moved over to piano and I said "If he gets on the drums, I'm gonna take off running" and I did. Seriously. I actually ran. LOL

I saw Alvin Ailey on Wednesday and actually met one of the dancers after the show and hung out a bit. He's coming to church with me Sunday! =)

Check Mate

2009-03-04T15:36:00.000-08:00

As you all know, I do a good deal of thinking about life and such and lately I've been noticing how everything I (or you) encounter can be dealt with easily once true and complete acceptance of the following is accomplished:

#1 - God is in control
#2 - God has a plan
#3 - God's plan works to my benefit

It becomes difficult for me to complain or feel discouraged when I remind myself of these things. Actually, it's a relief because there's no need to worry about things that are already taken care of. If my sister told me she was going to handle something for me, I wouldn't wonder whether she really would. I wouldn't try to do it myself anyway. I'd relinquish it because I trust her, love her, and know she has my best interest in mind. So, if I could feel this way about people (who are inherently flawed), how could I not for God (who is the creator of all things)?

I started to think of my life as a chess match. I suppose you could say God is playing the devil, but the basic idea is that God's manipulating the board. He has the master strategy - he's unbeatable, in fact - and the devil isn't aware that he's already lost. Of course, God knows, but he quietly executes his actions as if to allow the devil to realize on his own that he's defeated. You know how when you learn something for yourself it has more power than when someone tells you?

In chess, several pieces with differing functions are in play and it's interesting when you compare them with life:

#1 - Rook: The rook moves in a straight line, horizontally or vertically. The rook may not jump over other pieces, that is: all squares between the square where the rook starts its move and where the rook ends its move must be empty.

I feel like this relates best to our professional aspirations. For the most part, you're moving laterally or being promoted, right? Note how the spaces in between must be empty, though. That's because God clears a path for you when you're in his will and you just slide on through!

#2 - Bishop: The bishop moves in a straight diagonal line. The bishop may also not jump over other pieces.

For me, this resonates with ministry efforts. You can be elevated quickly, yet gradually. That is to say, there are steps in between that are honored and achieved, but the amount of time it's necessary to remain on any particular one varies. Note that you, again, cannot jump over pieces. In this context, though, I believe the "pieces" represent levels of development versus people, as in the previous explanation.

#3 - Queen: The queen has the combined moves of the rook and the bishop, i.e., the queen may move in any straight line, horizontal, vertical, or diagonal.

Once we reach a certain level in our faith, we begin to realize that "I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me" isn't just a commonly known and recited verse, it's reality! At this point, we're able to operate on multiple levels simultaneously. The name to me, also, is significant because as one who is married to Christ, the King, I am - in essence - a Queen.

#4 - Knight: The knight makes a move that consists of first one step in a horizontal or vertical direction, followed by one or two steps in a horizontal or verticle direction, resembling an "L" when completed. The knight jumps: it is allowed that the first square that the knight passes over is occupied by an arbitrary piece.

Praise, praise, praise! Lol This one couldn't be clearer to me. Once God moves you, praise Him - in other words, jump - for what he's done. The "arbitrary piece" here is whatever the worldly manifestation is (i.e. the money, the car, the house). It's not as important as what it represents (i.e. the increase, the freedom, the comfort), which is God's true gift to you.

#5 - Pawn: The pawn moves differently regarding whether it moves to an empty square or whether it takes a piece of the opponent. When a pawn does not take, it moves one square straight forward. When this pawn has not moved at all, i.e., the pawn is still at the second row (from the owning players view), the pawn may make a double step straight forward. When taking, the pawn goes one square diagonally forward.

Sometimes it's God's will for us to move little by little. Other times he moves us quickly. Once we reach a level of obedience, it becomes abundantly clear when to move and when to take. Note that if the pawn has not moved at all - it's in the 2nd row - it can make a double step. Basically, it's never too late to come to God and when you do, he'll catch you up to where you should be.

#6 - King: The king moves one square in any direction, horizontally, vertically, or diagonally. The king is the most important piece of the game, and moves must be made in such a way that the king is never in check.

Keep God first in your life. Protect your faith above all things.

*For all pieces, when the square where the piece ends its move is occupied by the opponent, then his piece is taken. As the game progresses, more and more pieces are taken from the board. Some are unnecessary - only useful for a period of time - others are needed to win.

Now, we all know that the objective of chess is to place the enemy king in checkmate: a position from which he cannot move without being captured. If we allow God to execute his strategy in our lives, we WILL experience the joy of checkmate in our lives.

I don't know about you, but I feel like God's working my board and it's imminent, ya'll...

Check!

Mate!

Pregnant

2009-02-06T14:22:00.001-08:00

This week a close friend of mine announced her pregnancy. Needless to say, everyone who knows the couple is elated!

So, I got to thinking...

To be pregnant means there is something growing inside of you that will soon be birthed and with it bring an immense amount of joy to all who encounter it. In Kacy's case, there's a baby growing inside of her but in all of us - always - there is also potential growing.

When most of us think of a pregnant woman, we usually visualize the big belly that looks like it's about to burst. But pregnancy is not just being full...that doesn't come until the end. Pregnancy is a process whereby something great is made from something very small. There are stages of development and many factors have to come together in perfect alignment for a healthy, thriving baby to be born. It is uncomfortable at times, scary at times, frustrating at times, certainly painful at times, but you hold on because the joy of what's impending is great enough to make it all worth it.

Maybe some of the excitement is in knowing what to expect. Not exactly what to expect, but you know that after roughly 9 months you will give birth. However, there's no telling how long we have to wait to bring forth our potential. How many of us actually nurture it? How many of us are excited about it? What are the necessary factors for success?

Interestingly, whether you give birth to a baby or to your purpose, pregnancy lasts only a season but what you create outlives you.

Think about it.

Light Bulb

2009-01-30T07:25:00.000-08:00

How would you define frustration?

I'd say frustration is the result of an outcome contrary to one's expectation. Without expectations, frustration is impossible. I don't think we're always aware of our expectations, however. Sometimes they're subconscious, but they're always present. Always.

So then, it is safe to say that people who are often frustrated are those who hold many futile expectations. I am in recovery from being one of these people.

Over the past few months I've been noticing and identifying my long held expectations and wondering how they were formed. Some are obvious - Mom said "treat people how you want to be treated," Dad said "only boring people get bored," etc. - but others seem to have come from me. From Rachel, whoever she is.

Last night I had rehearsal at the church and I was frustrated because I am part of a dance ministry wherein I am the only true dancer.

I want you to pause for a minute here and think about that. Imagine it. I'm not prideful, this is not arrogance speaking, it is a reality. Further, it's a reality that parallels life. How many of you are currently frustrated in an area of your life (your job, school, relationship)?

Maybe the false expectation is that others should be like you. When they do something you wouldn't do or respond in a way you weren't expecting, you become frustrated.

So, as I've grown accustomed to doing when I'm conflicted, I spoke to my pastor. He has this way of putting problems you think are complicated in perspective, but with tact. He never makes you feel silly...it's like he walks into your mind and turns on the switch to your light bulb. Last night he said to me, "Excellent people will always be frustrated; it's part of being excellent."

To do something in excellence is to surpass others, to excel. If you operate in the utmost of your ability, it's frustrating when others do not, but to desire excellence is not a bad thing. To present your best gift unto God is beautiful. Just expect to encounter others who do not share your motivation and you leave no room for frustration.

Oh Goodness, Where do I Begin?!

2009-01-23T14:14:00.001-08:00

I am so...full right now. Full of inspiration, gladness, anticipation, information, comfort. I don't want to look backwards, so forgive the lack of an update on the past month, but I'd like to begin with this week.

Sunday I cried. And it was a deep-rooted, mind-isn't-sure-where-this-is-coming-from cry. It just sort of happened. I was at church, Pastor preached an awesome message called "Another Perspective," and then I cried. I searched the building for somewhere to do so that no one would see me because I don't like all the asking of questions and "it'll be okay"s. I found a nook, let it all out and then got up to wash my face (so no one would know I was crying) and walked right into my pastor. He was walking from one door to the next, which takes about 3 seconds, and it was timed perfectly. I feel like God was saying "my child wont cry alone in the corner when she needs counsel." Ha! So, after a brief discussion with him, we decided to meet later in the week at his home.

Monday I had the day off from work and didn't leave the house all day (it's cold!). I caught up with a friend I hadn't spoken to in awhile and we were just talking about the things God is showing us - the things he's been teaching us - which are, not surprisingly, similar. The basic finding is: laziness bad, excellence good. Ironic, considering my New Year's resolution is to find, cultivate, and maximize the potential of the gifts I've been given. I am here to operate in excellence, simple as that.

Which brings me to Tuesday. Funny how "re-entering" the world (riding the bus, going to work, etc.) almost feels like a fight. Am I the only one who's ever experienced this? I was in my pleasantly comfortable solitude on Monday, where I controlled almost all of my surroundings, then Tuesday everything that happened seemed like it was purposed to upset me. To destroy my happiness. I thank God for the vision to realize this, though, and not succumb. Besides, Tuesday was Inauguration Day and who can taint the joy of that?! =)

Wednesday was a day of massive insight. My girls (Va, Crystal) and I chatted on the phone in the morning and discussed our frustrations. We were all feeling like-we're serious about our relationship with God, we're diligent in our faith, we're pure in our hearts, we're righteous in our actions, but we're confused in our minds. We wondered how can we be working principles but not reaping the expected outcomes? For example, how am I all of the above but I live in an empty apartment? Why have I been here for 7 months and I don't have everything I need? If it's not God's will that I be mediocre, why am I living as such? How does one learn humility without becoming invisible? How are you confident in who God's created you to be without becoming prideful? I mean, it was some heavy stuff ya'll! Ha! I'm not saying I have the answers to all these questions now, but the discussion helped me understand why I was crying on Sunday. And after I met with my pastor and first lady, while I was driving home, I turned off my music. I realized that I don't give myself an opportunity to hear God when I listen to music all day. So I drove home in silence. And he spoke. And he told me to stop speaking. Ha! For the rest of the week, listen more than you speak. In fact, only speak when necessary. Listen to the people around you - truly listen - listen to the world, listen to me. And ask me for nothing. When you speak to me, let it be thankful only. And I've done this. And it's been incredible. I have a peace now, a calmness, a surety that I can't describe.

Thursday nights I dance. So last night, I danced. And anyone who knows me knows I enjoy nothing greater. My mom said the most insightful thing to me this week. She said, "Our bodies don't move as fast as our intellect...sometimes the body needs to catch up." So dancing was a nice release, in a sense. It helped me feel balanced, that's for sure!

So today is Friday. I wrote my friend Christi (from the Bahamas) because she was on my mind yesterday and I wanted to check in with her and, as usual, the girl blew my mind when she responded. This girl is like so intelligent it isn't even funny! And her awareness and ability to convey her wisdom is uncanny. I always love hearing from her because she's so honest and I'll sit there the whole time reading just nodding my head in agreement. Ha!

If you're reading this like "ok why'd she feel the need to document every day of her life for the last week?" the answer is simple. There's a theme. It's fortitude. Life isn't easy and no one said it would be but we all live like it's supposed to be and get frustrated when it isn't. This is not a cake walk, it's a battle and we're soldiers. Soldiers are determined; they're courageous; they're strong, resilient, and they are single minded. They exist to carry out a mission, as do we. They do so with passion and so should we.

I Bit It

2008-12-16T09:34:00.000-08:00

Hard! I was coming home last night and for some reason all the street lights on my block are out (not that the light really would have helped anything) and the entire sidewalk was covered in ice. So I was scooting...ya know, kinda like ice skating...doing okay for awhile. Then, I took what was probably the longest "fall process" in the world. I slipped one way, then another, my feet literally got crossed up like in the cartoons, I managed to get out of it - this is all happening in motion down the street, mind you - I wavered forward, backward, sideways and finally fell. On my right hip. And I hit the ground hard, let me tell you! Lol

Absolutely hilarious, but at least it was dark and no one was around to see it. I think this makes me official now, though. The first fall is definitely significant. Ah, winter time in Chicago...gotta love it!

Just Thought I'd Share

2008-12-15T07:06:00.001-08:00

Breakin' the Law, Breakin' the Law

2008-12-09T08:37:00.001-08:00

I'm laughing right now (actually out loud!) because I'm at work and should really be working...I mean, I have A LOT to do...but I just don't feel like it so I'm blogging. That's funny. I'm a rebel!

It's raining outside so it's kinda one of those days where you just don't feel like doing anything. I'm tired because I woke up at 2am unable to breathe...fighting my 2nd cold in approximately 2 months. Funtimes in Chicago, come join me!

I'm listening to Christmas music, which is a completely different experience now that there's snow outside. I live in the snow. My Christmas is white like in the songs. Which reminds me, this year I'd like a digital camera. Thanks!

So I'm coming home in 10 days and I'm beyond excited. If I cry, don't judge me. It's been nearly 6 months, my goodness! Let's take a little look back:

June 30 - Bye Bye Bay! On the road. Lots of flat land. Lots of music. Lots of miles.
July 2 - Arrived in Chicago. Lots of fun in the sun. Lots of job hunting.
August 3 - Moved into my condo without a job. Bless His name! More job hunting.
September 9 - Started tutoring. Yay for learning! The job hunt continues.
October 13 - Got a job! Woo Hoo!
November 4 - Witnessed history in Grant Park - Obama pronounced President Elect!
November 27 - Cooked Thanksgiving dinner. Did I mention that? I can cook now folks!
November 29 - Turned 25. I can rent a car for cheaper!
December 1 - Successfully survived my first major snow storm. One down, thousands to go!

Winter Wonderland

2008-12-01T16:33:00.001-08:00

This morning I woke up at 4am for seemingly no reason and peeked outside my window, since the weatherman had been saying it was going to snow, and sure enough all I saw was white. Everything was white. It was like someone spilled a giant bag of powdered sugar. I was giddy. That's probably the best way to describe my reaction.

So I'm leaving my house later and I get outside - and I don't have a hat on, of course, because what do I know? - and there's snow falling on my eyelashes. I'm walking up to my car...or what I think is my car since they were all covered...and I push aside the snow on the handle, open the door and jump in. Then I sit there. Cracking up because I don't know what to do and I feel like I'm inside of a snowball. So I put on my windshield wipers and of course the snow's still there. So I defrost the window and eventually the snow falls.

Then I'm thinking "well I can't see out of my side windows" so I grab an empty CD case and get out and scrape the snow (at least 4 inches, if not 5 or 6) off of all my other windows - without gloves on, of course, because what do I know? - and get back in. Then comes the fun part...trying to get out of the parking spot your car has frozen itself into. Needless to say, I made it out and onto the bus and I'm sitting there wiggling my toes because - of course, I have on rain boots in the snow (what do I know?) - I can't exactly feel them all the way.

Somehow I made it to work without slipping or sliding or falling on my face. Did I mention I was carrying a plate of leftovers in one hand and an umbrella in the other? Note to all: people don't carry umbrellas in the snow. They wear hoods. But, what do I know?!

50 States and a White House!

2008-11-05T14:08:00.000-08:00

Better than 40 acres and a mule.

Let me just say upfront that this is not entirely about race. I'm not one of the many "yay we have a black president" supporters. I'm a Barack Obama supporter. I see his vision. I share his goals. I relate to his story. I am confident in his convictions. If he was green I'd still feel this way...and what I feel is significant.

No longer just a small, unnoticed spec on this vast planet. Significant. My voice was heard shouting in Berkeley on Super Tuesday as I held up posters along the bridge and urged people to vote in the primary. My financial contribution added to the millions raised by people like me doing our best to help a worthy man with a worthy cause. And yesterday MY dream was realized. Your dream was realized. Martin Luther King's dream was realized. This is monumental!

I'm not naive. I don't think the next 8 (let's be real) years are going to be a walk in the park - it'll likely be far from it - but there's joy in knowing that all things work together for my good. I don't worship this man, by any means. Trust I was at Bible study an hour before I was in Grant Park last night, as I should have been! My priorities are straight and I also understand the importance of this time period. But the utter power of what I witnessed less than 24 hours ago cannot be ignored. It cannot be forgotten. It cannot be minimized. I believe a piece of what I felt will linger with me forever.

Last night was PHENOMENAL! I got to the park about 15 minutes before they announced Obama won Virginia, and then shortly after, California, sealing the deal. I was among more than half a million people standing outside watching jumbo trons scattered throughout the park. Everyone was in a great mood, there was no craziness. Nobody fought or argued or had misunderstandings. It was literally like we were one enormous family. A man I don't even know picked me up and twirled me around when the screen read, for the first time ever, "Barack Obama - President Elect." We erupted in applause and cheering when he walked the platform and prepared to deliver his speech...the earth may have actually shaken. During his speech I cried out of joy for a better future than past, out of amazement to have seen this change occur in my lifetime, out of gratefulness to be standing there in that moment experiencing history. It was so surreal, so powerful, and I'll never forget that feeling. I'll never forget what everything looked like around me. People as far as the eye could see, downtown Chicago lit up like a Christmas tree - the letters "USA" illuminated along the building to my left, Lake Michigan to my right and the blaring screen of Barack Obama directly in front of me. Afterward, people filed out waving flags, laughing, taking pictures, and singing "...from every mountain side, let freedom ring!"

The Rundown

2008-10-17T11:53:00.000-07:00

What up! I started my job this week and it's been great. I don't think I could have designed a better gig myself. About 50% of it is stuff I was doing before so it all makes perfect sense (different terminology, but same concepts) and the other half is developmental. It's all the stuff I wanted to learn how to do but couldn't because I was bogged down with mundane tasks and reporting. My boss said he sees me promoted in 6-12 months, which is awesome because I see myself promoted in 6-12 months lol and because my salary nearly doubles. Yes please!

I'll try to explain this in the easiest way possible, but the way it breaks down is MTV Networks has 3 digital teams: Games & Entertainment (spike.com), Kids & Family (nick.com and the like), Youth & Music (vh1.com, mtv.com, and the like). I work for the latter 2 teams so I'm split between them and I'm able to gain unique experience across the board from kids through adults. Basically this is kinda like working 2 jobs at once in terms of the range of experience I gain. The people here are real cool, too, which never hurts, I come in at 9am and we wear whatever we want. =)

I have a plant now. His name is Samuel. My friend Va gave it to me and told me to talk to it so I figured he should have a name. He's healthy and growing and I'm glad I haven't managed to kill him yet. If I'm successful with him I think I'll get a kitten next.

I'm still loving church. I joined a mentorship ministry for young girls called Daughters of Virtue so I'm happy to be involved in helping to eliminate all the divisiveness that happens among youth these days. I was asked to dance for the renewing of my Pastor & First Lady's vows on Sunday so that's exciting...even more so because it's to the instrumental of Ribbon in the Sky (and everyone knows I LOVE Stevie Wonder)!

Let's see, what else? As of now my apartment is still empty but by the end of the year it should be painted and furnished. I'm speaking...or writing this into existence! I thought about having a Virtual Housewarming Party - and I still might - because I need a lotta stuff! It's kinda complicated by the fact that winter's approaching and I need a jacket, boots, and whatever else people wear so they don't freeze to death. So basically I have a loooooooooong list of things to buy and only so much money. That's where you all come in =) Oh, my birthday's coming up, too! I'll make an evite for my Virtual Birthday/Housewarming Party...you're all invited!

I think this is becoming a super long posting, so I'll end it now but I just wanted to update you a little since much has been happening. I'll be home for Christmas (I sang that) so look out for me about the 19th of Dec. xoxoxo

Baile para Dios

2008-10-08T08:30:00.000-07:00

I'm on this Spanglish kick. I started tutoring yesterday at the children's hospital nearby and I absolutely love my little girl. She's 10 and developmentally delayed and she has the happiest little spirit! I thought she'd be shy or at least apprehensive since I'm much bigger than her and all, but as soon as I sat down across from her she broke out the Chutes and Ladders and we had a blast. We totally didn't play by the rules but do you ever really with kids? Seems like they always have their own way. Anyway, she's so adorable. She speaks Spanish primarily at home, though, so it's a bit difficult because she switches back and forth with English and, while my Spanish is still sharp enough to communicate with a child (thank goodness!), I'm pretty sure I should teach her to say "I like bread" instead of "I like pan." I'm really excited to be working with her this school year, though!

On Sunday I danced in church for the first time here. It was phenomenal. I love when afterwards it's like a blur...that's when I know it wasn't me dancing, he just used my body. I was so exhausted, too, that's usually another sign. I can work out for hours, take dance class all day and still not be as tired as I am after 15 min of praise dancing. A lot of people have been telling me how blessed they were by it, which makes me happy because that's what it's for. Dance should touch people's hearts, should show them the glory of God, and I'm glad to do my part in revealing it.

Yeeeeaaaaa Boyyyeeee!!

2008-10-02T11:29:00.000-07:00

Hello there. It's been a while, huh? I've been grinding. It's like my fight or flight instincts kicked in after the last job "rejection" (it was actually a hiring freeze) and I chose fight. I'm not gonna lie, at first I felt deflated, but then I was like "No, this is unacceptable. I will not continue to be unemployed. I will get a job and I'll get one soon!" So I put my mouth guard in, warmed up, and started throwin' punches. And I won!

Yesterday I received two job offers - not one but two! - and today I accepted one. I'll be working in digital ad sales for MTV Networks, split between vh1.com and nick.com (ironically, I'd interviewed for both jobs individually) and I'm excited to venture into new media. It's the future, ya know. Tons of room for growth since MTV is the umbrella holding company of so many other media properties and we all know I'm bound for greatness so this is just the beginning. BALLIN'! lol

The rest of my life has been grand lately, as well. Not for any particular reason that I can put my finger on, either. It's kinda like everything just clicked inside of me and I realize how excellent life itself is regardless of circumstances. It's like when you're running and you reach the point to where you just know you're gonna collapse. Your heart is beating way too fast, your legs feel like lead, if you take one more step you're convinced you're gonna bite it. Then you keep running anyway and you enter this realm where it feels like you're floating. Everything in your body normalizes and you feel like you can run forever. That's where I'm at right now. Coasting.

It just started to get cold here. It was in the 40's this morning. Everyone tells me I can't even say the word "cold" yet...this is "chilly." I had on a sweater and 2 jackets today, that's all I know.

Anyway, guess that's enough for now. Love you all and miss you! Hope you're doing well =) To God be the glory!

Amazing Discovery

2008-09-17T11:43:00.001-07:00

Ok, this may not seem like much, but mind you I thought all this time that I lived in the (borderline) hood for the following 3 reasons:

Indicator #1: If you go one block west there's a plethora of young men in white t's
Indicator #2: There's a chicken place on each corner
Indicator #3: Scattered between are check-cashing places riddled with qui qui's

So today I took my (recently) daily run of the lakefront, which is absolutely breath-takingly beautiful. Seriously. It's like having a piece of vacation across the street. I'm only a few blocks from the water so anytime I need a reality check I can go sit out by the lake and prioritize. Imagine having downtown New York on one side of you and Miami beach on the other. That's what Chicago is. Lovely.

Anyway, I decided to drive south to see if I could find the Trader Joe's my landlord told me about (which would be indicator #1 that you're in a good neighborhood). Didn't find it, but did discover that a mere 3 blocks or so south of my apartment is, basically, downtown Berkeley. Shops and cafes and bookstores, Starbucks (so it's officially legit!) and a Borders!

I'm just glad I discovered it 3 months in and not after I'd been here a year. Turns out the south side has some of what the north has - we're not an entirely lost cause!

Genius vs Brilliance

2008-09-11T11:04:00.000-07:00

As many of you know, I have been a (somewhat jokingly) self-proclaimed genius for the past 4 months now. Today, however, I'm casting that aside and striving for something greater - brilliance.

Definitions:
1-shinging brightly; lustrous
2-distinguished
3-having or showing great intelligence, talent, quality, etc.
4-splendid or magnificent

So obviously you can see the reason for the switch. What provoked it, you ask? My parents. Not their lasting encouragement or their love and support in all I do, but rather THEIR brilliance.

They've both recently established blogs of their own, which I thought was cute at first because - you know - they're old. Lol (It's ok, they read this) I figured they'd set the thing up and never write in it and be like "you know that technology the kids are into...it's too complicated. Whatever happened to fresh air? That's the problem with today's youth, they don't appreciate the simple things in life. Back in my day..." Lol I'll stop.

Seriously though, I didn't really know what to expect. After catching up on both of them, I realize these folks are brilliant! In every definition of the word listed above. I read one post from my father and instantly felt like my intelligence level was that of a 3rd grader. I'm not calling 3rd graders dumb, I'm just saying I have 2 degrees. I read one post from my mother - I could hear her mind while I read it - and I thought to myself how magnificent a woman she is.

Growing up I've always known I had a good set of parents but there's something about reading a person's thoughts as they pass through their fingertips that's on another level. Most people will write things they won't verbalize. I know it's true of me! And not because there's anything wrong with what I have to say, but because thoughts organize themselves in the writing process. Once it's all laid out before me and not jumbled up inside my head, there's clarity...and in the case of my parents, brilliance. On the page. Shining in my face.

So, because I come from this brilliance, I believe I, too, can achieve it someday. My parents are lustrous, distinguished, intelligent, splendid people! Lubba you! =)

A Lovely Day

2008-09-10T09:08:00.000-07:00

So I wasn't working yesterday and decided to go down by the lake front. In true Chicago form, it was one of the most beautiful days I've ever lived and it came the day after a heavy storm. It was about 75 and just gorgeous...I mean it was perfect. Paintings pale in comparison to natural beauty.

There were like 20 old men down by the water fishing. Yes, fishing. Sitting in their lawn chairs (not sure if I've mentioned this but everyone in Chicago owns a lawn chair of some sort. They have so many outdoor events in the summer, you can't be legit without one. Once I get one - and a floor length down jacket - I'll consider myself officially a Chicagoan). Apparently there are salmon in the waters so these guys come out "7 days a week," as they told me, in hopes of catching something. One fish is 8-9 lbs, they said, so they eat from it for a while.

It was kinda cool sitting there watching them because the entire cityscape is to the left - like in a cluster (if I had a camera I totally woulda taken a picture) - and then in front of you and to the right it's all water and sky. So, it's kinda like here's what God created and over there is what man did. The two are very separate. I don't have anything profound to say about it, I just thought it was interesting. Lol

I was out there for hours, though, talking to them and just enjoying being outside. It's the simple things in life that bring the most joy. I was thinking about how rich people acquire all the things they want - houses, cars, clothes, jewels - but nearly all of them vacation in places that are serene and naturally beautiful because everyone, no matter how much money they have, appreciates the value of simplicity. And even if they choose not to admit it, appreciating nature is appreciating God. It's the way things were before anyone disturbed them.

Hellew!

2008-09-08T16:48:00.001-07:00

I'm writing since it's been so long. I haven't had a temp assignment for the past week (almost 2), so I've only been on the computer here and there. I'm at the library now. It's almost 7p. It's pouring rain outside. I keep thinking about the Butterfinger I have at home. Lol

I've done a lot of self reflecting and, subsequently, a lot of self discovery lately. I guess that's what not working will give you - time. Tons of it. I'm trying to decide how to share what I've learned, but it's a little heavy.

I guess just after looking back on the last few months of my life - the way things have happened, the order they've happened - has helped me see what's impending. I don't think most people take the time to reflect and piece all the events of their lives together and then sit back and look at what is being revealed. I don't think I ever had before recently.

I've been considering the relationships in my life, too. Some that used to be thriving have faded, some that previously didn't exist are growing, some are being maintained year after year. My pastor said you're never stagnant in a relationship. You're either developing, dwindling or separating. It's the people who evolve together who stay together.

There are great things ahead of me. It sounds so cliche. I seriously thought if there was any other way to phrase that, but it is what it is. I'm bound for greatness. Like on a level I can't even imagine yet, but I know it's where I'm headed. I hope ya'll are ready to come along because all who can hang are welcome!

How's The Go?

2008-08-26T08:31:00.001-07:00

That's what the kids are saying these days. A friend of mine texted me with this question yesterday.

The go is going. As needs arise, they're supplied. That's basically the flow of my life these days and it's kinda cool. I'm actually perfectly okay with it.

I'm gonna be honest...I've been considering in my mind whether moving was the right decision. Some days I'm fully confident it was, other days I'm unsure. But then I think does it really matter where I am physically? Can't I still be who I'm supposed to be? Can't I still learn and develop and rise? I believe so.

Until now my mentality around this move has been very self-centered. I moved because I wanted to see what more the world had for ME. But now I see that this whole experience has been about what I can do for others. (I'm laughing right now because I literally didn't realize this until the moment I just wrote it.) For the last two months I have been temping all around downtown Chicago. I've been placed in positions that would at first seem menial (and to be honest I started to feel offended by this just yesterday) but they're necessary. I realize now that I'm being humbled. I have become a servant. There's a difference between working hard to achieve personal reward and working hard to benefit others. My goals are set on the latter these days.

People at my old job said, when I first started, that I had a sense of entitlement. I was upset about it at the time but you know what? They were right. I've always kinda thought that since I'm educated and talented, I should be granted the opportunities to utilize my abilities. This isn't entirely wrong, but the significance is in my motivation. Why did I seek these opportunities before? To showcase my gifts. Why do I seek them now? To contribute to the betterment of others in whatever ways I can. I felt fulfilled before by others' praise. Fulfillment now comes from knowing that I used what I've been blessed with to bless another.

An Idle Mind

2008-08-20T13:39:00.000-07:00

Not necessarily the Devil's playground. I've been EXTREMELY bored over the last few days - I'm temping for the Receptionist at the NYSE - and I've learned quite a lot. World news? I got you. Olympics? Update right here. Cherry pie recipe? I have notes. But above all the things I've Googled (yes, it's a verb now for those who don't know. Google it!), the most profound lesson I've learned is that God is ALWAYS...understand the implications of that word...with me. And you. And everybody. AT. ALL. TIMES. Never is he not around. And you're probably rolling your eyes like, "wow this girl is slow!" but do you truly and thoroughly understand that fact?

I was thinking today about how certain people in the Bible made more effort than others to have a relationship with God and I started to wonder "how can God be THAT tight with all of them at the same time?" I only keep in close contact with a few people - they can easily be counted on one hand - and even then I sometimes neglect them even though I love and care about them deeply. God was homies with these dudes - Abraham, Noah, David, Moses, Jeremiah - and they were in constant communication. God was never like "Hold on I got Paul on the other line, Imma call you back" or "I'll work that out for you after I finish this thing I'm working on for Job." He could give undivided attention to as many people at once as necessary. And he still can. To all who seek him, he's available, more so than any individual is capable of being.

That's deep.

For real, think about that. While I'm going through some things and me and God are in deep contact working it out, he's doing the same for countless others AT THE SAME TIME.

And I feel like I have all of him.

And they feel like they have all of him.

What we really have is as much of him as we can handle and it's still not even a PIECE of God. Lol Maybe my mind's been numbed and this isn't as amazing to yours, but mine is being blown right now! No idle worship here (like that play on words? I got skillz! Lol)

Cambio

2008-08-15T09:55:00.000-07:00

That means "change" in Spanish. No reason why I chose not to write it in English. Just popped into my mind that way. Maybe it's a sign that I need a vacation to Spain. I'm taking donations.

So, everybody calm down. I'm alright. I haven't lost my faith...or hope...or joy. =) (see, it's still there!) I've accepted that whatever path I'm riding now is not my own. I've controlled (or thought I was controlling) so much of my life - where to go to school, what degree program to follow, where to move, what career path I wanted, what success looks like - I've finally surrendered ALL things to God. He's always been with me but I've been so stubborn trying to do things on my own, thinking if I just made a plan and followed it then I'd get to where I needed to be. No need to trouble Him. But seeing as He's the only one who knows where I need to be, I figure I should probably let him drive this thing...completely. We're not rotating shifts, he's driving it all. I'm in the passenger's seat with my feet on the dashboard and my chair reclined, watching the sights out the window. I'm not looking at the odometer. I'm not paying attention to road signs. I'm not worried about time. I'm not averse to making stops along the way. We're chillin'...talking...and I'm completely at His mercy...in every sense of the word. I am in charge of the CD player though. =)

God is funny. He makes me laugh. A lot. He knows so much. For real guys, are you aware? But the dopest part is that He rarely slaps you over the head with revelation. He shows you...oftentimes cleverly. While I was driving out here to Chicago I was so focused on the destination I didn't make a single stop without a purpose. We need to eat. We need gas. We need to sleep. We had to get here by July 2nd. And why? Because that's the date I decided would be best based on the job I was trying to get. A job I didn't get. And a journey I missed because I tried to guide the whole thing. What's funny is that the entire trip Chris kept joking about it. He'd be like, "wouldn't want us to accidentally stop for fun." I ignored him then, but thinking about it now makes me laugh. I didn't know it'd be symbolic to what I'm now realizing. I should have listened to my passenger. I should have been more open to change...real change, spontaneous change, not the planned kind. It's like God was trying to communicate that to me: "Hey Rachel, remember me? Could you involve me in this?" I didn't listen then but I sure hear Him now. Fuerte y claro! (loud and clear)

Ok, Here We Go!

2008-08-11T14:43:00.001-07:00

So I got word today that someone else was offered the position I interviewed for with MTV Networks. This would normally be just regular old news...most people aren't offered every job they apply for, no big deal. However, I really thought this was it. I felt it. I had a great interview. I was expecting an offer.

I should have probably waited to write this until after I'd fully processed it and packaged it all nice and "You gotta keep hope alive!" but instead I'm writing now. Right after I found out. And I'm upset. I feel paralyzed, like I don't know what else to do. I've applied all over the place. I've been seeking since I got here over a month ago. I've worked my contacts. I'm lost. I know that life isn't a simple "if this, then that" paradigm, but somehow I'm still lost. I don't understand how I can have talent, ability and education and still be unemployed. It doesn't make sense to me.

Don't misunderstand me, I'm not arrogant, I'm blessed. And I know that God blesses people so that they can be their best. I'm supposed to be the best me I can be - the Rachel He created me to be - and I'm trying...hard! So how does this all fit into the equation? I'll tell you one thing: I'm exercising my faith like no other right now!

My Blog Sucks!

2008-08-05T07:59:00.001-07:00

I was reading through it and it's lame. I hope at least one person is entertained by this in the slightest. I'm sure not. It's boring! Man I need to get a life...or become funny (I used to be funny!). Anyway...

There was a TERRIBLE storm last night. I've never seen anything like it - not even in The Wizard of Oz. The wind was blowing 58 miles per hour. 58! If I were outside I woulda been flying. Buckets of rain were falling from the sky, lightening so often it was like there were paparazzi outside flashing cameras non-stop, and thunder louder than I've ever heard. It shook the building. We had a tornado warning, which apparently only I took seriously. I went down to the basement - with my pizza (I was hungry!) - and no one was there. But I sat there and ate...alone...safe...staring at the washing machines. Sounds kinda depressing, but it was more funny than anything. I was sitting there thinking "If this tornado comes and rips the building off the ground above me, I'm gonna need to grab onto something so I don't get swept up with it." I was all looking around to see what I could hold. There was a pole. I figured that'd be best. Luckily I didn't need it, though.

I'm at a temp job today. It's a one day assignment. I'm "answering phones." It only rang once. Some lady asking for the IT Director, who of course I don't know so I asked for the name and she hung up. Hope it wasn't important!

Fish Don't Fry in the Kitchen, Beans Don't Burn on the Grill

2008-08-01T09:49:00.001-07:00

I'm movin on up! Well, down actually...to Hyde Park (that's south of where I am now). I got the place I wanted (yay!) and I'm moving in on Sunday.

I don't have ANY money...literally none. lol But I got what I needed: an air mattress, shower curtain, toaster and dishes, so I'm good to go!

You wouldn't believe how difficult it is for a genius to get a job around here! Ha! I had an interview yesterday and that went well, so I'm hopeful about it. I also signed on with a temp agency - apparently I type 80 wpm. Wowza! - and I should be working with them for a while until I get a job offer. Pretty boring update, huh?

Last night I learned how to make sushi. That was pretty cool. OH! Dallas last weekend was phenomenal! We danced all day every day then had a final "performance" on the Potter's House stage on Sunday morning. We were streamed live online! (We should be getting DVD's, too, so I can show you if you'd like to see). I've come to the conclusion that my life should consist of constant dancing...how I'm gonna work that out, I'm not too sure, but it's necessary.

Well, that's it for now! I'll keep you posted on the job front, but now that I officially have a door, you're more than welcome to come visit! I suggest sometime after Halloween. That's when it gets cold and I'll be lonely =)

Funtimes...

2008-07-23T15:53:00.000-07:00

My friends from church (in order of appearance) Koshia, Va and Crystal

That water was FREEZING!

This is where I'm currently residing. Cute, huh? House music party...it was PACKED, this is only a snipit.
Highlights from the BBQ on the 4th

On the Road

2008-07-23T15:46:00.000-07:00

Not sure what this guy was trying to attempt with all the antennas, but I thought it was funny That's what Wyoming looks like...in case you ever wondered
Penny held us down with breakfast! You know it's authentic when it's in a trailer, that's what I always say. Still in Wyoming... The scenic views from the passenger side window...

Where it All Began

2008-07-23T15:30:00.000-07:00

...gas prices $4.67, $4.37, $4.13, $4.01, $3.99, $3.89

Dark Knight

2008-07-22T22:19:00.001-07:00

Dude, if you haven't seen this movie yet, get on it! It was amazing! Three hours long and worth every minute. Batman's a gangsta...that's all I have to say. With a capital "G."

Quick update: I found a condo I like (okay, love!) in Hyde Park (where Barack lives...I'm bout to be eatin' sammiches with the Obamas) and I want to move by August 1st, so I'll keep you posted on that. I have all day interveiws with Starcom (a media buying agency) on August 4th and my follow-up interview with FoxSports.com on August 5th. I also have a couple of possibilities at the Big Ten Network, so things look prosperous on the job front. Other than that, I've been exploring the city - getting involved in everything I can. I went to a really cool art festival in Wicker Park on Saturday and the beach on Sunday (waiting on the pictures, then I'll post). I did get my travel pictures on disc, finally, but am having some techincal difficulties uploading them so bear with me please. Potter's House is this Thursday and I'm super juiced!

I love you guys, I miss you guys, but I'm doing excellently well here (learned that phrase from this man at church. Ha!) Check back in a couple days for pictures (they should be up by Thursday). Muah! xoxo

Yummmmm!

2008-07-14T20:00:00.000-07:00

I just made some bomb tacos. Hooked it UP! Forreal. They were bangin. Ok, so today:

- Had an appointment to see a place in Lincoln Park this morning at 11a, only when I got there, nobody knew what was going on. The woman was all "I don't have anyone scheduled for 11 and we don't have anything open for an August move in" and I was like "oh that's funny because someone called me on Friday and told me you had 3 available and scheduled me for today...at 11." Apparently it was an imaginary woman who made the appointment with me. Or maybe they're racist. Lol Needless to say, I'll be looking elsewhere. Don't think I wanna live in Lincoln Park now anyway. It's kinda like Berkeley - lots of shops and gays and what not, always buzzing, impossible to find parking - fun to hang out for a day but I wouldn't wanna live there.

- Went to the beach and got black...ish. Kimmie and I laid out, which was cool 'cause we got to catch up and I had a friend for like 3hrs. Lol I spend all day alone and no one calls me, so I have little to no human interaction on a daily basis. I guess that sounds kinda sad, but I find it refreshing...on some days anyway. It's a good thing I'm so cool or I'd be miserable!

- Spun my life away. Is "spun" a word? (I'm sure dad will chime in here!) Anyway, I went to spin class at the gym. I've been working out like every day since it's a productive way to kill a couple hours. I take spin 4 times a week, but the teachers are different. I say that because today the teacher (who I've only seen 1 other time before - last Monday) felt the need to comment on my "endowment" in front of half the class, so that was funny. She was all "you have enough for all of us, don't you? I hate people like you." I was like "awesome, just what I want when I come to the gym...someone to remind me my breasts are giant."

- Made some tacos (see above).

Free Stuff in Millenium Park

2008-07-11T20:48:00.001-07:00

Today I saw this Australian performance group called Strange Fruit. They basically sit atop these pole/stick things in the air and rock back and forth. To be honest, the best part is at the very beginning when you think they may fall. Everything after that is boring. Lol That sounds bad, but I mean, I didn't get it. They had music and clearly were trying to illustrate some kind of story, but it didn't move me. Apparently I wasn't the only one because folks started leaving about 10 min into it.

Later I went and heard Tchaikovsky's 6th at Jay Pritzker Pavilion. That was wonderful. A few interesting things, though. 1 - didn't know he was the super famous one who wrote Swan Lake and The Nutcracker. 2 - didn't know the symphony could make so much sense! They gave us this booklet that described the progression of the piece and it's amazing how much more moving it is when you know the sentiments behind it. Normally I just sit and listen to classical music like "oh that's pretty," but this was a whole 'notha level.

The Old Man is Snoring

2008-07-10T16:04:00.000-07:00

This is a piece of my 4th...stole this picture from Kimmie (she's the one with me). I have one more picture left in my disposable then I'll get them up here, too. Just thought I'd share this so you can see how tan I got in just a couple days. Hahahaha!

Today's good news: I scheduled an interview for next week with a media buying agency. Yesss! I registered and bought my ticket for the Potter's House praise dance convention on the 24-27th in Dallas. Can't wait!

Did your parents ever sing this song with you? "It's raining, it's pouring, the old man is snoring. He went to bed and bumped his head and couldn't get up in the morning!" Mine did, but they may have made it up...they're creative. Either way, it's raining again. In July. Hope it's sunny and dry where you are! =) xoxoxo

Nonsense

2008-07-07T11:33:00.000-07:00

So I was awakened this morning by what sounded like rocks being thrown at my window. It was rain. Lots of it. It was like 90 yesterday...and lovely...not a cloud in the sky. But here we are, July 7th and it's thunder storming. That's interesting.

I feel like a housewife right now. On my 5 channels everyone's showing soap operas, which is why I'm on the computer. I would be sunning myself, but obviously that's not a current option. Being pre-employed is lame (unemployed sounds too harsh). Ha! Having a job is kinda lame, too, though.

If you're reading this waiting for the point, there isn't one. I actually wonder who - if anyone - even reads this or if I've published an online journal needlessly. Either way, it's nice for me. I need a new journal anyway.

Independence Day

2008-07-05T18:41:00.000-07:00

Where do I begin? I meant to write sooner, but life's been so eventful the last few days and, truth be told, the computer just started working today (the fuse was blown).

So, I made it to Chicago safely on Wednesday (yay!) and have been hopping around ever since...figuratively and literally. Don't worry, I've been taking pictures, but my (disposable) camera is so advanced I'll need a little more time before I can upload them here. Highlights: Amazing shoe discovery (followed by amazing shoe purchase) in Wicker Park; 2nd Annual 4th of July BBQ by the lake (complete with the most dysfunctional game of Go Fish ever played); Chicago House music party (which was basically like one giant family reunion picnic); and rigging my TV to work (I get 7 channels!). I'm excited to check out this church tomorrow - Family Worship Center - and now that I'm up and running I'll keep you posted. =)

Symbolically, the first day I spent alone in Chicago was yesterday - Independence Day. Though this territory is unknown, I don't feel uncomfortable or overwhelmed. I feel empowered, excited, able...this is the beginning!

Le Bus

2008-06-30T19:05:00.000-07:00

Wow. So driving day 1 has officially just been completed. Left at 7a, arrived in Salt Lake City, Utah at 7p. Made a couple stops, but all in all it went impressively smoothly. At the hotel now. The drive wasn't as miserable as I thought it would be either!

"Le Bus"(some random tour bus) tried to gangster me and like race through Nevada! It was madness. I passed it and then it passed me and then it wouldn't let me pass it again. Lol That's all I got! That's the most interesting thing to share. Hahahahaha!!!

Dude, there's NOTHING in the middle of our country. I'm talkin' straight up white sand deserts as far as the eye can see. It was like in cartoons when they go on a walk and the background scene repeats itself over and over, like "didn't I JUST see that bush?!"

Gas prices have gotten progressively cheaper with each stop, though. When we left it was about $4.67; first stop it was like $4.33; second stop was like $4.13. I hope this continues.

Tomorrow's a longer day - driving 100 miles more than today - so as the delirium sets in I'm sure the shenanigans will commence. I'll keep you posted...

Slowly but Surely

2008-06-23T14:01:00.000-07:00

So this past weekend I realized I was much farther behind, in terms of packing, than I thought. I suppose I need to empty out my dresser drawers, huh? And the dishes...I should probably do something with those, right? So I spent the better part of Saturday packing my life up. The Goodwill is LOVING me at this point because I've made at least two stops to their donation station in the past week...hooked 'em up with Christmas lights and ALL that! =) Someone did come and take my whole room, though, so I'm sleeping on the couch and it's kinda funny. My feet hang off the end (cuz, you know, I'm tall) and it's hard to not move all night after being used to having a full bed to myself. I'm afraid I might roll off at some point. Look for an update on that, actually!

(I feel like this is boring, but apparently people care about this kinda stuff). My mentality around this move has definitely shifted to a complete realization of what's to be my reality...if that made any sense whatsoever! I went through stages when I first made the decision to move: sadness, excitement, disbelief. But now I'm officially settled with it. It's a reality. It is a bit scary, I suppose, to think that I'm moving without a job or a real place of my own to live (thanks to the constant reminders from certain individuals...you know who you are!), but my life up to this moment has been so planned, I'm excited for the unknown! I can do whatever I want! Should be interesting to see where I am a month from now.

In other, unrelated news: My boss flashed on me last Friday. Called me into his office to discuss what he considered to be "very important" issues then proceeded to speak nonsense. It was highly entertaining.

Oh! Here's a good update! I was baptized yesterday! =) THE most amazing experience of my life and the signification of a new beginning for me. So, needless to say, I'm in the BEST of Spirits ;)

Chicago-bound!

2008-06-12T11:00:00.001-07:00

So, as many of you know (and others of you don't), I am moving to Chicago in about two weeks. I decided to start this blog as a diary of my transition, which I am sharing in an effort to keep in touch with all of my loved ones (that would be you). There's nothing like the "so what have you been up to?" conversation where you try to sum up your life in a sentence. I'm trying to avoid that. I plan on having tons of fun, going on adventures, dancing my life away, and sharing it all with you. Enjoy!